Grief Visits Again

Grief visits again. It’s fog descending upon me on the anniversary of my son’s death. I lost my handsome 25 year old son 2 years ago today. And it feels like only yesterday.

I’ve felt everything from anger at God to wondering if God exists at all.  Having faith in anything is hard after losing a child. Yet faith is essential to survive such an ordeal.

An emptiness fills my body, constricting my ability to think or breathe. I have a big reservoir of sadness - and I know it’s always just below the surface. 

I’m not the same person. I’m a work in process. I'm more thoughtful, more aware of the pain in the world around me. I’m more empathetic to others. I’m now defined by how I’ve learned to handle the hard stuff.

I’ve discovered that I’m stronger than I ever imaged. I will survive this tragedy. I walk this journey of hope to honor my son. He guides my path. 

I’ve written this tribute to Ryan to mark today - and wanted to share:  I've titled this "It Only Took a Second."

It only took a second
to fall in love with you,
That moment you took your first breath -
You owned my heart.

It only took a minute
To re-prioritize my life around you,
Once I held you in my arms -
Nothing else mattered.

It only took an hour
And I was already making plans,
I could see you growing into a man -
And I’d have the honor of helping you get there.

And now that I’ve lost you -
It will take the rest of my life to grieve.
Re-living what was;
And dreaming of what might have been.”

I love you Ryan - always.